How do I really feel about my time here in Nicaragua?

Well, are you asking me on a good day or a bad one? On bad days I think how it has been frustrating, boring, uncomfortable, and extremely lonely. I have thought about returning home on several occasions. I think about what I have left behind in Tennessee and wonder why on Earth did I signed up for this craziness. I think of my cute little apartment, comfy lifestyle of coffee shops and good books, friends to hang out with, and family to visit. My wonderful job and amazing students come to mind and I want to pick up the phone to see if I can have my old job back. I hear about what everyone is doing in the States and my eyes burn with tears and my feet itch to catch the first plane home. I hear that all my family is coming for the holiday and conflicting pangs of happiness and jealousy rip at my heart.


I miss the convenience of everything- like baking brownies. I would have to take the 4 hour bus ride to Managua, get a taxi to the supermarket, buy the brownies and come back to Ocotal. Once here, I could mix up the batch, and then take it down to the bakery to bake since we don't have an oven! IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?


I miss walking around without having to make a thousand decisions... however small they are. I honestly have to decide who to greet (men between 11-60 are no-nos. You think they would respond normally, but they don't. They cat call you, they call you affectionate names or make grotesque noises with their mouth.) and what side of the street to walk on (to avoid above mentioned people or the sun- it's hot here!). I hate that I'm afraid of dogs here. In the States, it's a preference, but here, I don't want to get bitten or chased.


I miss feeling normal. I don't fit in here. My clothes either aren't tight enough to be fashionable or are too fancy to be worn on a daily basis. My shoes will never match what everyone else is wearing. They all wear 3-4 inch heels, just to buy tortillas down the block! No one has acne here, but me. No one understands why the white girl has bumps on her face. Can someone please tell everyone here that staring is NOT nice. I would love to walk around without everyone holding their hand out for money. (I went to the market the other day and bought bananas. I gave them out instead of money. The other day I splurged and went out and ate some soup. A homeless woman came up and I let her finish it. I don't mind doing these things... but it never happens to a Nica. I just want equality.)


Can people please stop calling me little fatty! I know it is supposed to be an affectionate term, but really! Back off or I'll hit you with my big butt!


I want my host family to understand what I'm going through. They ask questions like "are you sad?", "why don't you go out?", "do you miss the U.S?", or comments like "you just have to go out and meet people", "it's really not that hard to become part of the community", and "you just need to try harder". I finally made them understand a bit when I phrased it this way: Imagine that you have just left all your family and friends, your home and everything that is known and comfortable in your life to be dropped off in the middle of a foreign land. You don't know anyone, you have no job, not much money, and you don't know where anything is located. On top of that, sometimes you understand what people are saying, and sometimes you don't. How do you feel? What do you do?


So on a good day it is a bit different. I wake up and know that I'm not where I once was. I'm learning, I'm adjusting. It amazes me that it now feels normal to boil my water on the stove to wash my face, to take a bucket bath, to say "adios" to everyone that passes me by on the street. It feels normal now to NOT flush the toilet paper and to give directions in numbers of blocks and cardinal directions. I'm finding my way around pretty well and starting to meet people. I make sure that I leave the house at least once a day and put some activity on my calendar even if it is just watching a good movie.


I know that I am making advances in my Spanish when I can sit down with a stranger and have an hour long conversation about random things without confusion. I can read in Spanish and can speak (if people will let me).


I look for opportunities in the community to stay busy, and I have found some really cool things to get involved in and places to go. There's a cute little coffee shop (it doesn't serve coffee, but they have good chocolate milk) and good restaurant for tacos and grilled beef (which I refuse to cook here). Many types of classes are offered: crafts, dance, cooking, sewing. I'm trying to get involved in some that I can afford. There's also a promising gym right down the block, and some women work out at night, so if I get up enough courage, maybe I can join their group.


I watch the people interact here and see that they are happy. There are good relationships and I hope that one day, I will be the person standing on the corner chatting with a friend or hugging in the park, or walking hand in hand (common between two females). I have hope that I will receive invitations for outings, or even to stay in and have dinner and play cards. Maybe one day I will have a friend that is not white, but rather we are friends because we connect on a personal level and enjoy each other's company not just because we can speak English.


It gives me hope when my Mom tells me how proud she is of me. When my Dad tells me how brave I am, that he could never do what I have set out to do; it gives me goosebumps. I look at my life here and think that it isn't too bad, that things are coming together after two weeks, just imagine after two years!


I know that I miss my family and friends, but I talk with them on skype. My Spring visit isn't that far off. I just have to give it time... I will not give up on the bad days. There are more good times than bad. I can do this. I WANT to do this. This is just as much for me as it is for the people I help here. I want to know that I had a choice to stay in my comfortable life where I led a fortunate life, but I DECIDED to sacrifice these two years. And hopefully, when I look back at it, it won't be a sacrifice. It will have been an adventure, a time when I learned about myself and learned about something bigger than myself. I learned to get out of my own head, and live in the real world, where people suffer everyday as they try to do nothing else but survive. When I return, I know that my view of everything will be different, but I can't help to think that it will be such a good change and my life will only be richer for it.


I hope that I can be strong enough to complete my two years here. More than that though, I hope that I let myself live during those two years and experience Nicaragua and all it's potential.

My first week in site

Tomorrow marks two weeks in Ocotal. The first week seemed so short, more like three days or so. The days were full with meeting my new host family, arranging my room, and taking in the new city. My host sister Carolina and I went to Mozonte, a nearby town, to visit her friend and climb the 187 steps to the highest church. From there we had a great view of the entire valley. The views here are breathtaking, with rugged green mountains and beautiful rolling hills.

That night I met up with some other volunteers in Ocotal at a bar for some chow and live music. Both of my site mates, a volunteer from Canada, and one from Wisconsin all met at La Yunta. We got to chat a bit and then some people danced bachata. There's a fairly decent sized expat population here with all the NGOs and private volunteer programs. The first few days I was here I met Don Roger, a retired PCV who served in Ocotal in 2003-2005. He had a girlfriend and was already retired from the states, so he decided to stay here. He's an interesting bird to talk to, and he always has cold drinks... a big plus.

The next day we took another trip to Jalapa, where Steve lives. Carolina had to pack up a room she had been renting and move the stuff back to Ocotal. While she was doing that, I got to hang out with Steve and see what his site is like. We had fun walking around trying to find his site mate’s house. As we were wondering around, I saw a guy standing next to a scale in his little shop. Apparently he weighs big sacks of grain or whatever that the farmers bring in. Since I hadn't seen a scale in over three months, I couldn't help but ask him if I could use it. However, you know it couldn't be that easy...I don't know the word for scale. So the request came out more like "Hi! How are you? I see that you have the thing that can tell me if I'm fat or not. Can I use it please?" As he was laughing and moving aside to let me us it, I chided him for trying to look at the number. "No looking!" My new favorite Nica word is CHUNCHE, meaning thing. In Jalapa we also went to a nice restaurant with a pool. Apparently up here in the north, pools are very popular. You know what I'll be doing this summer! Right now it's a bit cold... the first thing I do when I wake up is put on my fleece.

After the 3.5 hour ride back from Jalapa, I quickly got ready in time to meet a woman who's trying to get an English group ready for me to teach. She had given me a list of about 30 interested students. Getting my first wiff of real work, I decided to go ahead and meet the students. Well, two showed up! Looks like I'll be waiting a bit to start a class.

On Saturday, I was invited to the end of the year party for a few teachers. In true Nica fashion, my Nica sis Tania and I showed up 30mins- hour. It was a bit awkward, and I felt way out of my element, but they had good food! Even though I felt a bit strange, I'm glad that my counterparts invited me. It has been the only interaction with them apart from the TEPCE that was required. They are all on vacation, resting up a bit from a long year, which is probably only fair. I would probably want to hibernate in my house for a few weeks without any contact, too.

On Monday, Steve came and visted me for the day! Because he doesn't have the PC bank in his town, we hit that up first. After little discussion, we decided on pizza for lunch... which seems like a staple in our diet when we get together. However much we love pizza, we are sometimes a bit surprised with what we get served. This time we got mushroom, onion, CORN toppings. This in combination with the fact that the tomatoe sauce here is more like ketchup made for a thrilling ride for our taste buds. I guess it is better than the green bean and lima bean pizza that Steve had the other day. Pobrecito... it must be so hard to be vegetarian... at least in Nicaragua. After lunch, we walked to the fancy supermarket where Steve had dreams of buying peanut butter, wheat bread, and all sorts of goodies. He ended up walking out with three different types of soap. Apparently Nicaragua is not up to his cleanliness standards. Tehe. We also went by the park, one of the coffee shops, the cyber that I frequent, and finally the library where we checked out a few books. It was so fun to host a Steve in my town... it made me look at the place with a new set of eyes, and it was great to have some company!

The other day was Tania's birthday. My Nica sis finally turned 21 years old. The day before we were talking about what was going to happen. Her mom bought a cake and make the pineapple filling to put between the layers, and I did the icing. It was nice to share the cake with the family and I learned a bit about the cultural difference. In this house, at least, it is custom for the birthday girl to not do anything as a rule. This seemed odd to me because that was always the fun part for me. I enjoy getting in the kitchen and helping the family out with my birthday dinner because that means I get to spend time with them. However, I guess it is different when you live with your family til you are 30. You might want a day's break from them!

I finally decided that I have to meet some new people in town. Mostly I have been hanging out with my host family, which is nice, but they keep asking me why I DON'T go out, if I'm sad, and what I SHOULD be doing. After trying to describe how I felt and my situation, I finally gave them the scenario that they got dropped off in the middle of the United States, where they only knew 5 people, they had no job, but they didn't know exactly what there was to do in town nor could they spend much money. In addition, they weren't completely confident in the language and they couldn't leave town for more than a few hours. What would they do? That finally got their attention and they stopped asking me why I wasn't "doing anything".

However, these conversations did spur me to call up Karissa. She's a volunteer with Travel Alive who has lived here and taught English the past 6 months and is about to leave next week. Karissa has made my time here so much better by introducing me to as many people as she can and just hanging out. Yesterday we met up and walked around her neighborhood, watched some soccer practice, ate ice cream, and then I tagged along to her English and dance classes. We are thinking that I might continue class with some of her students in January. In addition, the dance teacher has dubbed me as the gringa replacement, and apparently I start dance class today at 4. It is a folkloric/latin dance class. I was joking with her that I wasn't meaning to, but it looks like I am stealing her life. I'll really miss her when she leaves on the 18th.

Yesterday I also signed up for an art class. We will be making Christmas decorations and who knows what else. It was about a dollar to sign up and $2.50 each month for the class. The expensive part will be all the materials I have to buy. Although I'm trying to live within my budget that PC gives me, right now I am valuing being in the community more than living humbly.

Well, I think that about covers it... besides the Christmas cards. We'll see when you finally get them, maybe by Valentine's Day. By the way, packages to my new address may not be a great idea (cards are fine). I'm not sure how it is going to work, but give me some time and I'll update you on the best way to do it. Talk with you soon!

Pictures of my new host family´s house

The living room has a couch, two armchairs and a TV.

There is also the table that gets used mostly as a place to put things down. Kinda reminds me of my apartment.

This is my room ...With all the chaos, I definitely wanted some order in here. I made the two calendars and lamenated them using packing tape.

I searched around the back yard and found the board and pepsi crates to make the shelf and the bedside table.

My beautiful friends and family. I look at you everyday!

Can´t sleep without the mosquito net!

Do you like my clothes closet. I´ve moved up from a chair to a whole table!

The breakfast of champions. I alternate between yogurt and granola with a banana, and double fiber toast with peanut butter and a banana. Coffee is a staple.

I´m finally giving in and boiling my water after I heard that Ocotal has the worst water in all of Nicaragua. This will last me about 2-3 days.

I definitely need these at night. We live right next to the Panamerican Highway, so trucks roll by blowing their horns at all hours. In addition, we have roosters. They are the vain of my existance.

Finally- an update!

So it has been more than 2 ½ weeks since I wrote, and I can’t believe. Time really flies when you are busy. The last time I wrote I had just been on my site visit to Ocotal; and I’m now living in Ocotal. However, let’s back up just a little bit. Steve and my youth group did a fantastic job on their final project. All four of the groups performed their songs and I will put those up for you to see when I can. The videos were presented by two of our students to the rest of the volunteers, their groups, and all other PC people. All but one of the TEFL groups sang (one sang Bon Jovi live for us), and the Environment groups did different projects with recycled materials and they all started gardens. Some of their projects included plastic bottle planters and jewelry made from the tops of glass coke bottles.

After the final project, we got our last dose of charlas in Diriamba. I think I can speak for most when I say that we were not too sad to see the end come near. In fact, training ended just in time. I was getting a bit jaded from all the intake of information and starting to feel overwhelmed because we weren’t really doing anything with it. One big thing with PC is that we cater to the needs of our community. Well, we don’t really know our community yet, so it was hard to figure out how to use all the information they were giving us. Anyway... I’m glad that we are finally able to put some of the charlas to good use. My training mates and I celebrated the occasion with a Boggle night (our favorite game)! Of course, I lost miserably.

On November 22, I left my family and house in Dolores. It was sad to pack up and say my goodbyes. Isolina kept walking by my room and shaking her head. The kids came to give me a million hugs, and to be honest, I’ll miss them a lot. They have been such a good family to be in training with. When I was sick, Isolina was sure to make me light food that wouldn’t hurt my stomach. We always had lunch and dinner together, and Isolina would make me breakfast and sit with me even if it was 5am. They always knew when I was upset and didn’t want to talk or when I was excited and did want to. The kids were good (for the most part) and always wanted me to play with them. It was a great atmosphere and I’m so glad that I’m going back for Christmas!

Before I left the house, I made spaghetti for my family. I bought the noodles, and regular spaghetti sauce (most of the sauce down here is like ketchup). I then mixed in garlic, black pepper, carrots, and soy meat. Unfortunately I forgot about the onions and peppers, but everyone still liked it. By the way… do you know how healthy soy meat is? It is so much lower in fat, high in protein, and REALLY cheap. It might replace meat in my diet.


I just about forgot to mention that as I was packing up, Isolina, Alex and I were glued to the TV and radio. That weekend there were two major demonstrations in Managua less than a mile apart. The government had given permission to two opposing sides to protest at the same time. We were all expecting major mahem and many people were leaving Managua so as not to get caught up in the crossfire. All PCV were told not to travel that day and to stay out of Managua and not to get involved in any political matters. In my host family, there were 5 active participants in Managua. Luckily nothing happened and everyone came home safely (although a little sunburnt).

So getting on a bit... I begrudgingly left my host family in Dolores, Carazo and arrived in Managua, where I immediately began to sweat. Monday morning everyone was dressed up for the 10am swear-in ceremony. The dress that Isolina made me (the last of many versions) finally made its debut. Tons of photos were taken and everyone greeted their families as they arrived.

Both Isolina and Chico came for the host family ceremony. Isolina and I accepted her certificate and after everyone had been presented, there was a traditional Nicaragua dance. There was, however, a twist. One of the Environment volunteers performed it with his host sister! We energetically and whole heartedly voiced our praise as they twirled around in traditional outfits. After a short break of coffee (with real milk!) we went back in for the swear-in ceremony. Each volunteer introduced themselves and told where they were from in the States and their new sites. As the microphone came to me, my hands were shaking and I forgot what my site was. Guess my public speaking isn't too good. It was the icing on the cake when we had to sing the Nicaraguan and US national anthems. We finally got called up individually to shake the hands of the country director, ministor of education, program director and specialist, etc., and receive our pins. Everyone had to sign their contract, but mine was mysteriously missing. Do you think that since I didn't sign it that I'm really a volunteer? If not, I just wasted a long three months!

After hugs and kisses to all and one more cup of coffee for the road, we piled back in the buses to go to the hotel. There was one last round of awards as Claire presented the groups superlatives. I was voted most likely to make my own alcohol... well, I did just buy a manual of how to make soy milk, tofu, peanut butter, preservatives, and WINE. Guess my group noticed how excited I got about this little book of fun. HEHE.

That night we celebrated... a lot. Everyone kick back for one last night together before we all had to leave for our sites. It is amazing how close I have gotten to this group of people. I wouldn't point out one and say that they are my new best friend, but there is a strong bond between all of us. It probably formed sometime while talking about our bodily functions- does anyone else burp fruity pebbles? Is it normal to have horrible stomach cramps each time after eating? What does the water taste like in your house?. Or maybe it was as we comforted each other through all the changes in the past three months, where moods can change by the hour and each day brings something new. All the movie nights, trips to the beach, and chats in the park are worth their weight in gold to me.

The day after swear-in, we attended the All Volunteer Conference (AVC). Much like the name might suggest, all 180 Peace Corps volunteer in Nicaragua from the five sectors (small business, teaching English, environment, health, and agriculture) came together for two days to talk about Food Security. Being in the TEFL program, we had some trouble finding a connection with this, but we finally decided to teach the bums how to beg in English... JOKE. Just making sure you were paying attention. We did learn some cool tricks, though: like how to make purses from potato chip bags or earrings from the tops of glass coke bottles. Besides getting to learn about that, the AVC was good for networking. At night, there was lots of entertainment. The first night Liz, Steve, Ellie and I formed a trivia team, with the name "House of Representin'" (from the movie Idiocracy). I answered two questions: one about bull riding, and the other about the movie Wayne's World. I shudder to think what this says about me. We lost horribly, but I throughly enjoyed the free popcorn and games of MASH. The last night there was a talent contest and I participated in a TEFL skit. It is a must see... I´ll try to attach it later.

AVC ended on Thanksgiving. It was such a treat to use the hotel's free wi-fi to skype my family in Knoxville. Everyone was so fun to talk with, despite the long enough to demand that we end each sentence with "over." Katie even took me on a tour of the house and showed me what was cooking in the oven. Glimpses of the turkey filled the screen making we wish for smell-a-vision. It was also fun to see eveyone playing pool in the basement and their smiling faces. Skype is an amazing invention and I cannot possible describe how indebted I am to its creators. It has allowed me to keep up with the Jones back in the US. Its also let me see the beautiful faces of my fam and receive their air kisses- which they give me plenty of. In truth, I am so thankful for my family and their support of me here. I can't imagine my life without them... I love you guys! By the way, if you would like to skype, look me up at the screen name laura.sanders6

After talking for more than an hour with them, about 25 volunteers and I went to the Country Director's house for a traditional dinner. George Baldino and his wife Susie were wonderful hosts as they dished out two beautifully golden turkeys, roasted potatoes, Italian stuffing, gravy, vegetables of all sorts, and delicious French bread. To boot, they even offered wine! As I basked in the warm, fuzzy feelings of my favorite holiday, I talked with some volunteers I didn't yet know. It was seredipidous to meet a fellow Knoxvillian named Joanna, who I used to play soccer against. What a small world it is! The night continued with chats on the porch with the breeze cooling us off from the Managuan heat, card games, and of course cat napping on the couches. I was definitely ready to hit the sack by 8:30.

Friday was the day that all the trainees had been dwelling over for months. Our first day in site. I rode on the bus with Steve until Ocotal, where we deboarded and quickly got seperated in the madness. I caught a cab and arrived at my new house in less than 10 minutes. Because I didn't know if I was actually at the right house (street addresses don't exist here), the taxi driver was kind enough to inquire for me. My new host sister, Carolina (28 y.o), greeted me with a warm smile and helped me with my luggage after a quick hug and kiss. She guided me through the living room and showed me my HUGE room! Eventually I also met my host mom Maria Teresa, host sisters Claudia (25 y.o) and Tania (21 y.o). The house has running water (even though water comes every 2-3 days), a refrigerator, stove, and even an exercise machine! However, the best part is how bubbly and including the girls are with me and the fact that there is fresh brewed coffee all day long. One quick negative would be the darn rooster that starts crowing around 4am. Good thing I brought down my earplugs.

Since I have been in Ocotal, I attended the end of the year TEPCE (Teacher in-service) this past Monday. My main goal was simply to remind everyone that I was in town and meet any teachers yet unknown. It was pretty uneventful and very quickly I got lost in the quick conversation between multiple people in the meetings. Other than the TEPCE, I've been relaxing in the house, getting to know my new family, reading, watching a bit of TV and going on any errands that the family makes. My site mates, Nikki and Jessi, were nice enough to invite me over the other night to put up Christmas decorations and eat dinner. It certainly is a different pace of life after the gruelingly long days of training.

I've been eager to catch you guys up for so long. In the future, I hope that it won't be so long between blogs. The months of December and January are depressingly empty on my schedule, but I'll be sure to fill you in when something does happen. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the cold weather up in the States. I'm a little jealous thinking of rich hot chocolate, cute scarfs, and blazing fires in the fireplace. Maybe you are a bit jealous that I'm running around in short sleeves and having to wake up early to run before the heat is unbearable. The grass is always greener on the other side- except if you are looking at the dirt yards of Nicaragua. Much love and talk with you soon!